I then wondered outside again, looking for dinner. I toyed between buying something cheap to take back to me room, finding somewhere cheap to eat, and then returning back to my room, or finding somewhere nicer and settling in for a few hours. The only place that would satisfy the latter and obviously superior option, was the cafe/bar where I'd had breakfast that morning.
I was a little self conscious to eat a meal alone at the same place twice in one day.. ..but as it dawned on me it was by far the least miserable option, I took it.
The waitress. I don't know her name, but I know she was lovely. A redhead, cheery, she asked me where I was from and scored big as a friendly face, found amidst several days of solo winter blues. Well...not blues.. ...but only so because I'd been too busy to introspect.
At the end of every interaction - she came and left my table about half a dozen times over the evening - I was grasping and failing to find a way to say "you're lovely". In fact, I was also grasping (a little) and failing (completely) to say, "come to my room, lie on my bed, and lets chat and cuddle". In the latter case, the failure was probably all for the best.
As each interaction came and went I felt a bit more frustrated I hadn't really expressed anything to her along the lines I wanted to - just lots of slightly blundering smiles and nods - (in fact at one point I agreed to something being added to my desert completely unaware of what it may be, because I could only take in her welcoming aura and had no attention left for what she was actually saying!) - but no more the wiser as to who I could do this and it not be and seem overly rehearsed, unnatural and slightly spoil the evening.
I've often wondered at, and hated, the fact that some things in life require a certain level of relaxation to be achieved, but realising that does not help relax - in fact it can hinder it! I don't think I managed this any better this evening, but come the time I paid for the bill, and accepting her best wishes for the rest of my stay here, my desire to say something nice and the realisation time was almost up, gave rise to an urgency that could almost have been mistaken for spontaneity, and I simply said "Thank you for being so lovely", and she smiled and told me it was quite alright.
I hope to see her there again. I know come finer weather, new friends and all the rest, perspectives change. But I am who I am today; and she is gorgeous in the only way that really counts.
